Surely Loveable
by TwiGirls B.O.O.B Contest
Summary: Is it possible to love what you don't trust? Or do you have to trust to be loved?


He's behind me, always following me. Whenever I leave the house or La Push he is always there. He thinks I don't know but I do I can feel him, he's like that shadow you get in the corner of your eye, you can't see it but its there in the peripheral, like a shadow.

They had been following me since the Cullen's left, I knew they all took turns, 'Bella Duty' I had called it, I didn't mind so much if it made them feel better then it was their choice. I felt bad sometimes that they should have been out with their girlfriends and families but they made the choice to watch over me so I figured they must know what they are doing.

Out of all of them he was the only consistent one, he was there every night and most days too - only disappearing for a few hours to what I assume was to sleep. They rotated but he was always there. Hell it was nice to have a constant in my life. The Cullen's left and Charlie is either working or fishing with Billy. The Pack may be a bit temperamental but at least I know they are there. Jacob may have imprinted but I know he is always there for me. Sam explained all about the Pack and the Cullen's. Mainly about the treaty. It always made me wonder if that was the reason that Edward wouldn't change me, because it would violate the treaty and make his family fair game for the wolves to kill.

I was good friends with most of the other guys, through association, but I didn't seek them out though we did just hang out together and chill sometimes. Then there is Paul. Paul is sarcastic, rude, obnoxious over-bearing and pretty violent. He has been whoring around La Push since before I knew him but since he became a wolf it's gotten worse. I wouldn't normally care but we became really close after Jake imprinted, he was the only one willing to tell me what had happened and to be my friend whilst Jake and Sophie went through their horny phase. None of the others really cared much, it wasn't their concern any more than it was Paul's really, but we kinda clicked. He understood where I was coming from and why I needed grounding when it came to abandonment issues. He may have been with all the girls from La Push and half of the girls from Forks, but he came when I needed him.

Then one day it changed. He never left my side.

I basically have my very own bodyguard that pretty much lives with me as Charlie is never here, but even he couldn't miss the fact that Paul was always asleep on the porch when he came home from work late at night or left early in the morning, so he offered up the sofa saying at least he should be comfortable if he was going to be around all the time. I think in a way it kinda made Charlie feel better about staying away more and more till he was only home to shower and change and he even started doing that at the station.

Within weeks Paul had pretty much moved into the house with all his stuff, he didn't see the point in going backwards and forwards when he could just shower and change here and I agreed.

It wasn't long after that, that Charlie said he was leaving me the house and had moved out. I don't know why or where he went just that he left. We looked for him for months but to no avail eventually we gave up looking and just let it go. If he didn't want to be here we couldn't make him.

So here we are, Paul following me back from Port Angeles, and my truck barely going over 55mph but I wouldn't change a thing. We had decided to stay in tonight and forego the Friday night bonfire on the Rez. I didn't see the point really. It was the same legends we had both heard countless times and to be honest it had reached the point of pretty much couples only, seeing as Paul and I were the only singles there. So DVD night it was, Paul would order pizza and I would pick up the films on my way home.

Such a couples thing to do, but it was just the way we were.

I got home and grabbed a shower, I was on the sofa flipping through channels when Paul got home, he ran up the stairs shouting about pizza arriving and needing to pay, which is Paul language for I have no money you need to pay. I wouldn't mind, but he always orders two pizza that I barely eat two slices of. He can definitely eat, out of all of the wolves in The Pack, Paul eats the most. Maybe because he was the biggest but I can't be certain.

We had a proper movie marathon planned tonight with the Underworld trilogy and the Twilight Saga. It was the action for Paul but the romance for me so we were both happy. I enjoyed Paul's company and sometimes I think he enjoys mine - not that he would ever say it out loud.

Movie night was a success and we ended up having heated debates about the two types of vampires in the films and which one seemed more realistic, ironic I know because he's a vampire killing werewolf but the way the movies portray vamps make us chuckle.

Sometimes to live and breathe someone all day everyday to the point that you don't even realize they aren't an extension of yourself is quite a thing to experience. Gravitating towards each other until you are straddling their lap with your fingers on the nape of their neck and your lips caressing theirs. It's natural, normal, some might say perfect, that kiss you wait your whole life for yet was watching waiting this whole time for you to just reach out and grab it.

He led me upstairs gently not rushing, knowing me so well knowing that yes I was ready but I was still full of trepidation for the unknown, Paul had experience in spades, but I had none. Edward had left me frustrated and no-one else had come close to that stage of a relationship with me. But it felt natural to take the next step with Paul, as though he was meant to be the one I was waiting for. I knew that wasn't the case otherwise he would have imprinted, but he hadn't.

His touch was reverence and care and love, he was soft yet in control, he was demanding yet questioning, he asked nothing yet I gave him everything, he caressed my slowly as he undressed me, taking the time to touch every part of my skin, he removed my bra slowly uncovering my breasts slowly he murmured words like lovely, perfection and perfectly sized, he had huge hands, I had seen them at work around the house. They weren't small and they weren't big, they were considered ample for my frame, the way that Paul touched them and kissed them licking the outside of each mound I would say that Paul is a breast man. He made sure to touch all of me before entering me slowly but he paid the most attention to them, pinching my nipples and licking and sucking them as he thrust in and out of me, cherishing me and taking care of me, as though he was in love with me. He made sure I finished first before he spilled his cum deep inside me I could feel it so intensely it sent me into another whirlwind orgasm.

Paul and I continued to share a bed after that night, he loved my body and loved teaching me about his just as much. It was our secret he never told the pack and they never asked, they must have got something from Paul's mind though because they always had knowing smirks on their faces whenever we went over there. La Push was back on our radar, we decided that we pretty much were already exclusive to each other and were sleeping together so why not use it to our advantage and I knew Paul missed his pack brothers. So we spent more time with them as a couple, together but not. I knew I could love him and deeply if I let myself but I wouldn't because one day whether he wanted to or not he would imprint.

We both knew that and so we kept things simple.

Six months we had been dating, and for six months we were both happy, Paul stopped being my shadow and became my date going everywhere I went but with me instead of following me. For the past couple of days though he had seemed distant he still held me at night and we still spent time together but he was quieter than normal, I couldn't put my finger on it. Then one day something happened I never expected. Leah knocked on my door. It was a shock, Paul had gone back to the Rez for a few hours and had said another wolf would be with me but he didn't say who, and like normal I didn't ask they didn't stay long so I didn't make small talk. But today was different, today she wanted to talk and boy did she have a lot to say.

She had decided that I needed to know what was up with Paul, I thought maybe he had imprinted but didn't want to tell me or he was leaving and couldn't tell me. I didn't expect what she said, Paul found a lump on my breast whilst we were making love and he didn't know how to tell me, Leah had drawn the short straw in telling me, I was miffed that he had told them then remembered about the pack mind and to be honest I was more glad it was Leah than say Jake. Paul would've been my first choice but he didn't have the courage to tell me I might have cancer.

Leah agreed to go to the doctors with me, after being transferred to the hospital and having tests done it was confirmed, a malignant tumour in my right breast, the treatment can only be offered at a hospital in Seattle which means I have to move there whilst I undergo the radiation treatment. The surgery to remove the lump can be performed here but I might as well have it all done in one go at the same hospital. I was adamant that Paul would not be going with me, he couldn't leave the pack and he couldn't leave La Push, they needed him more than I did.

We argued right up till I left for Seattle, I got in my truck and drove away, it would take about four hours to get to Seattle from Forks, I didn't need a hotel or anything because I would be staying in the hospital, pre- and post-op for the lumpectomy and for the duration of the radiation therapy.

Leah had planned to come and see me each week till the end of my treatment just so I would have a friendly face, not that we were friends but it made all the difference. Paul was upset that I refused to see him, I hadn't really spoken much to him since Leah told me about the lump and I didn't know what to say, _"Thanks for finding my cancer or thanks for telling me you had found a lump"_?Nothing quite seemed right, I can understand why he couldn't talk to me and tell me, it would have been a difficult topic to raise, but it would have hurt less coming from him, than Leah who I hardly knew, we had such a history together it hurt that he couldn't help me with this be there support me he was my only family and he left me to deal with it on my own. I couldn't let him back in now that he had come to terms with it, why did he get to have time to get his head straight but I had to do it on my own with no-one.

The treatment took six weeks and in that time I refused to speak to Paul, or see him, I couldn't do it, the radiation therapy took it out of me and the lumpectomy made me feel ugly, I had a scar on my breast where they removed the lump, it was two inches long but was enough to affect my feelings about my body, I knew if I couldn't love my body nobody else would. I didn't mind too much it was mostly under my bra, only poking out of the edge so it would mean no more low tops but in Forks that was fine the weather called for long sleeve tops and sweaters the majority of the time.

It hurt, not just the physical pain but the emotional too, the surgeon had recommended counselling but I wasn't ready for it yet. I had fought cancer and now wanted to just get home, Leah told me that Paul had moved back to the Reservation, I was glad. It would mean no awkward conversations, it meant I could get on with my life and leave the pack behind, life was too short to live in a fantasy world. Did I really want to tie my life to a guy who could imprint at any given moment? No I couldn't and wouldn't do it. I saw and heard what it did to Leah I don't want to end up like her.

I had been home for three weeks I couldn't stay away any longer I had to speak to him and know why he wasn't there when I needed him the most, I drove as fast as I could get my truck to go, it went too quick I wasn't ready for pulling up at your house, we never stayed here it was always my house even when we where on the Rez, I wonder why, didn't he want me to share that part of him? I can hear him inside before I knock on the door, screaming for me to leave, I wasn't good enough he couldn't even face me because he already knew, and now I'm just unlovable with a scarred body, the only thing he ever liked about me is disfigured, no wonder he's avoiding me. I turned and walked away knowing I would never come back to La Push again.

I made it as far as First Beach before I couldn't drive for the tears, I never realized until I walked away from him how much I loved him, I would never love another like I loved him it was all encompassing and empowering. I gave him everything I had for him to throw it away when I got sick, if that's his idea of love he can keep it I don't want it.

That's how Jake found me, crying for my love of Paul and everything that's happened over the past few months, he held me until I stopped crying. We didn't say anything we didn't need to, he knew it all from Paul and Leah everyone knew, and they all still watched regardless. The thing that shattered my peace was when he asked me why I wasn't with Paul, he didn't know what had happened a few hours ago, I left him him, I'm leaving I told him and Jake looked at me like I had two heads, and then he said the thing that I couldn't comprehend after everything that was what finally tipped me over.

"How are you not hurting over breaking the imprint?"

"Breaking the imprint?" I didn't break anything Paul had imprinted, everything made sense then, about how he could walk away and not look back, how he wasn't there for me when I needed him and how he couldn't love me like I loved him. He had found another more important person than me, someone better for him than me. I just hope she made him happy. I can understand how Jake would've thought I would be hurt but as long as Paul is happy and loved that's all that matters, and I told him as such he just jumped out of my truck and ran for the tree line he phased so quickly he didn't even have time to remove his clothes, that made me smile because I knew he was running low on clothes.

I don't know how I made it home but when I did the whole pack was there on my porch, Paul was front and center looking lost and hurt, but I could see he didn't want to be there, I didn't want to face him, how could I? He had found his other half who would be perfect, not me who was scarred, I was emotionally and physically scarred and I couldn't cope with the idea of rejection from any of them so I just walked past them all and didn't say a word, but as I opened the door I heard a low whisper from behind me, I barely heard it.

"It was you. I imprinted on you."

I didn't turn around I just felt the tears glide over my cheeks, knowing he didn't love me out of choice, he rejected me because I was damaged, scarred and he didn't want me he was only here because the pack bought him here, only told me because they made him. I want to be loved out of choice not out of necessity and that's what this was.

I don't know how long I stood there but the pack left, but I knew he was still there, he didn't leave like he knew he wanted to. _I loved you, I got to know you, then you were hurt and I couldn't fix it I couldn't make it go away so I left so you could find someone who would deserve you. I couldn't protect you. I didn't know how to help you, I didn't know what to do so I ran, and I stayed away you didn't want me any more so I left then when you did come back I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry._

I turned slowly, I didn't want to believe, he imprinted on me? But I'm not perfect I'm not good for him. We stood and looked at each other for what felt like forever but could only have been minutes. He moved towards me and I took a deep breath I can't take his rejection, because yes he can love me and he can be with me but I could never show him my scar, it was too much he loved my breasts, said they were my best feature how could he love them now?

Taking my face in his hands he told me he loved me, that he loved everything about me and he promised to show me exactly how much he loved me over and over. How could I refuse him? How could I turn down my chance at happiness? If he could overcome his issues then I could overcome mine.

He took me by the hand and led me to our room, I showed him my scar, I bared myself to him and he still loved me.

Together we could overcome anything.


End file.
